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Peter Griffin...for President?
May 5, 2008
As if the 2008 Presidential Election hasn't experienced enough trouble narrowing the field of potential nominees, the campaign trail erupted into commotion today after the emergence of yet another candidate: Peter Griffin.Yes, THAT Peter Griffin. Just hours before tomorrow's Indiana and North Carolina primaries, the Family Guy patriarch has seized the political spotlight. Determined to give the American people a viable Independent choice "not named Nader," attention has shifted to the Griffin Health Care plan, the Griffin War on Terror plan, and the Griffin Economy plan. While he gave few details on future policy, the portly would-be President left little doubt as to where he stands on key issues. "As a country, we are currently worse-off than a Ben Affleck movie. It is one thing to slip to the level of Brendan Fraser, or even Ryan Phillippe, but Affleck? That's too much. As your president, I will see to it that there's a brewery in every neighborhood, porn in every household and every child learns to read…just as God intended. And to anyone who says otherwise, I say: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Even more stunning than the announcement itself is its timing. TV has just begun its traditional May sweeps period where networks stoop to incredible lows in order to bolster viewership. It seems highly questionable, then, that Griffin would choose this pivotal month to focus on winning an election rather than, say, his hideously ugly daughter and alcoholic dog, among other skeletons in the family closet. In addition, this move comes amidst reports that Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane has squandered all of his money on booze, stuffed animals, and the Complete DVD Collection of Perfect Strangers. Griffin, wishing to distance himself from his controversial creator, denies any ulterior motive for his sudden candidacy. "That man does not speak for me. Anyone who equates his values with mine does not know me. I'm also sure people who spread these lies have never seen how well I interact with my neighbor Joe, the cripple. He's in a wheelchair. Am I right, people? Am I right?" Calls to MacFarlane representatives were not immediately returned. Known more for his views on The Fonz and Mark Harmon than on national security and stem cell research, Griffin's unmistakable aura of mediocrity could ultimately prove irresistible at the ballots. "He wouldn't be the first idiot president," said one Pasadena voter. "At least this one will be funny." Nonetheless, it will take much more than rhetoric for the Quahog native to escape the rather large shadow of failure that prior New England candidates have left behind. Ranging from recent underachievers Mitt Romney and John Kerry all the way back to resident punchline Michael Dukakis (or, as Peter calls him, "Duty" Dukakis – followed by a long, high-pitched laugh), voters have not been kind to candidates from the northeast. However, Griffin appears confident in a constituency that will help him succeed where his predecessors have failed so miserably. "Fat people." "Is that all?" asks one reporter. "Teenagers, too. 'Cause they'll listen to anything TV tells 'em to do." When the reporter then informs him that much of this core teen audience does not yet have the right to vote, Griffin sharply replies "Shut up, nerd." Copyright © 2008, KTLA
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